


That's my Boy

by Zelda_the_fierce



Category: Supernatural
Genre: But ruth connell is an amazing actress, Caring Rowena MacLeod, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I just want them to be happy, I'm Sorry, Love, POV Female Character, POV First Person, POV Male Character, POV Rowena MacLeod, POV Sam Winchester, Redemption, Sacrifice, Samwena, Sobbing, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, and so is Jared Padalecki, literally got no sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 10:11:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21177716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zelda_the_fierce/pseuds/Zelda_the_fierce
Summary: Rowena sacrifices herself to save the world, as seen through the eyes of Rowena and Sam.Based on 15.03





	That's my Boy

**Author's Note:**

> That episode tore me up, I've been crying on and off ever since it aired and this fic is me throwing all that hurt and grief into writing because that's what I do. If you came here looking for an alternative ending to canon or want to be cheered up this is not the fic for you, this is pure love and misery sorry :/ (might do a happier fic sometime in the future.)
> 
> The song at the end is 'Flower of Scotland' and is widely considered the unofficial national anthem of Scotland. Here's a link for reference:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0MklIdTiaU

The athame is cold.

It bites into my flesh with a sting more ruthless than a Scottish winter gale.

It contrasts almost poetically with the warmth of Samuel’s embrace, my boy, my giant.

I clutch his hand, my nails digging into skin that burns as I twist the knife. I gasp, stumbling against him. It hurts more than I thought it would, and tears swim in my eyes, stars dance in front of them.

The stone walls around me blur for a second; are we still here? In this crypt? For a moment I think I see the rolling hills of home, the crisp morning frost clinging to each blade of grass the way a child clings to its mother. Then I’m back, smelling the damp, the fear, the pain.

He steps back and I see the look on his face, the anguish. The horror. The grief already settling in as he realises there is no going back, this is it, he’s already lost me. I’ve already lost him.

The world is beginning to sway around me, so I grab his wee chin and force him to look at me, my green piercing his hazel. I search his eyes, beg him to see everything I am trying to show in mine; every thought, every feeling that I can’t put into words. I pray that he sees my soul through that shiny film of pain, before it is corrupted with the anger of the spirits raging outside this bower of bittersweet intimacy.

He sees.

His eyes widen slightly as he sees how proud I am of him, how much I will miss him, how much I care, how much I lo…

One more second to take in his face, because a second is all we have.

‘That’s my boy,’ I whisper, taking momentary comfort from the smile it brings.

_ That’s my boy._

…

I look down at my stomach. It’s a strange sight, to see something so sharp, so deadly, protruding from your own body. In my mind I scream at myself to take it out, the raw skin around the blade screams at me to take it out, every cell in my body screams at me to take. It. Out.

But instead I grab it with two hands and drive it deeper into my body, gritting my teeth at the excruciating way it scrapes at my nerves, tears apart my organs like paper. I twist it again, a cry escaping me. A cry I don’t mind releasing here, because it’s Samuel, he knows it doesn’t make me weak. _I_ know it doesn’t make me weak.

_Be strong Rowena. Be strong for him, and for yourself. Be strong for every person out there who doesn’t want to die today. Be strong because if you’re not strong, who bloody will be? _

My hands are weakening, but I pull out the knife, staring at the blood smeared across the silver. I look down at the open wound, the wound that will kill me, but save the world.

Saving the world… what a funny thing for me to do.

I study the pink silk of my dress, now dyed red. I marvel at the dark liquid seeping and spreading across the fabric.

_Breathe Rowena. _

_You still have a job to do, the case isn’t over. _

I look up at him, I nod.

_It’s my time._

…

**I follow her out of the crypt, willing myself not to grab her wrist and pull her back inside to insist that there must be another way, there’s no need for her to die, we can fix this. **

**But I see the way she stumbles across the uneven ground despite trying to remain steady. She’s limping from the wound in her leg, a wound that only serves as a reminder that this was her choice, she chose to do this. **

**To die. To save us. **

**She’s walking quickly, she knows she doesn’t have long, she knows that its only a matter of time before she collapses on the ground and doesn’t get back up. She knows that if the light leaves her eyes before she reaches the edge of that pit, the plan will have failed, it will all have been for nothing, her sacrifice will have been for nothing. **

**And Rowena Macleod has never been one to do something for nothing.**

** Out of the corner of my eye I see Dean and Cas stop mid-argument to watch her. The ghosts flock to her, purple shapes flying towards her like she’s some kind of magnet. I suppose she is in a way, attracting all the evil that Chuck released into the world, forcing it inside her so she can carry it back to the fiery pit of despair that is its home.**

** She’s a vessel. An unwanted vessel, an undeserving vessel. I wish that someone else could have done this, anyone but her. **

**She moans in pain, from the wound? From the monsters? From both? She continues on, refusing to stop for even one moment. She doesn’t look back, she doesn’t look around, she doesn’t allow herself the time to take in the beauty of the world she is about to leave forever. **

**From now on all she will know is screams of anguish, of fire, of torture. Will she forget this? Will she forget me? **

**Her steps begin to slow, her chest heaves and she almost trips, and I want to reach out and catch her before she hits the ground. I want to feel her soft palm in mine one last time, to hold her tiny body close to me and never let go. **

**But I don’t. **

**I can’t. **

**She reaches the edge of the pit, the border between future peace and calm, and Hell. She closes her hands over her abdomen, trapping the evil inside, and stops, turning to face us. **

**I force myself to look at her. She holds my gaze, a sad smile turning the corners of her lips, slightly furrowed brows begging me to understand, telling me to forgive.**

** _ I am a flawed, petty, evil creature, Samuel, and I don't know if I can be redeemed. But I have to try. _ **

**Oh Rowena… you redeemed yourself a long time ago.**

** She glances towards Dean, and then Cas, before looking back at me.**

** I try to take in every last detail of her face, knowing I have just seconds before she turns away and steps forward into nothingness.**

** I notice every curl of her hair, every shade of red, every single placement of every single strand.**

** I notice the shape of her nose, her cheeks, her mouth.**

** I notice the wrinkles of her face when she smiles, the green of her eyes, darkened with a fear she would never admit to in front of others. **

**I will myself to paint this picture in my head, to brand it into the forefront of my mind forever, because I’m scared that day by day and bit by bit I’ll forget, until all that remains of Rowena is a faded silhouette and a distant voice lightly mocking in a barely noticeable Scottish lilt. **

**She pants like she’s trying to remember how to take in air and opens her mouth, urging the words to form on her tongue.**

** ‘Goodbye boys.’ **

…

I see the pain etched onto Samuel’s face, I want to brush it away along with the tears still streaming down his cheeks, but I don’t have time, and it’s taking all of my strength to stay standing. I give them one last smile, trying to reassure them that things will be okay before turning back around to face the chasm before me.

I take a step forward.

I take another step forward.

I take one more step and I’m stood right on the edge, soil crumbling beneath my feet. The fear rises in me and I almost turn around, I consider running into Samuel’s arms, maybe there is another way, maybe we can find another way.

But I know there is no other way.

I know what I must do.

My time is up.

I look down into the fissure, I see the angry orange glow miles below.

_ Don’t look down, just fall. _

Closing my eyes I spread my arms and lean forward, and let the emptiness take me.

…

_Oh Flower of Scotland,_

_When will we see_

_Your like again,_

Falling is painless.

I feel the wind rush past me with a ferocity that merely tickles.

_ That fought and died for,_

_Your wee bit Hill and Glen_

Am I redeemed? Can the world move on? Can Samuel move on?

_ The hills are bare now,_

_And autumn leaves lie thick and still_

How long have I been falling now?

Seconds? Hours? Years?

Time no longer seems relevant.

_ O'er land that is lost now,_

_Which those so dearly held_

Is my wee boy down there? Will I finally see him again?

I’m coming Fergus, like it or not I’m on my way.

_ Those days are passed now,_

_And in the past they must remain_

Don’t come looking for me Samuel, our time is up. Look after your brother, and make sure he looks after you.

_But we can still rise now, _

_And be the nation again_

_That stood against him,_

I’m proud of you Samuel. I’m proud of you and I love you.

_ Proud Edward's army_

I love you.

_And sent him homeward,_

I love...

_Tae think again._

I lov-


End file.
